I Can't Read

Of course I can read. I'm a Writer, for Christ Sake. But what I own in ability, I lack in desire. And, therein lies my conundrum. It's the kind of conundrum that can keep me up at night.

A Writer who doesn't 'like' to read? It's as preposterous as a Navy SEAL with an aversion to water.

I'm a Writer without a library. And, while I do have a few books, most of them are children's books.  The others are Buddhist  philosophy; short one-liners on how to be a good person.

One liners. Those are alright.

But, let's call a spade, a spade. I've never been published. I don't have any publishable prospects. I'm not really a Writer. I'm an aspiring Writer. Longing to join ranks with people who can say that their prose is read by billions of people the world over. I don't care if I ever make any money at writing, I really only want someone to read my writing and tell me it's wonderful. I want someone to read what I have written, and feel like my ideas are spot-on. If only they could articulate their emotions like me, if only they had the talent; the ability. The right words.

I truly, with all my heart love to write. I need to write.

But, this blog post isn't about being a Writer, it's about not being a reader.

I don't like to admit my lazy distaste for reading. All too often, when I tell others that I don't like to read, my confession is met with quizzical, pained, heartbroken stares. It's embarrassing.

"But, aren't you a Writer?"

Yes. There's a difference.

I didn't even read my kids bedtime stories. I made stories up, spinning tales I concocted on the fly. That's what Writer's do. They tell stories. They don't read stories.

Sometimes, I make a half-commitment to myself that I will read a book over the summer. I lie again and again to my culturally starving self and promise that I will discipline myself and READ. But the truth is, if I can't sleep at night, I don't reach for a good book.

I reach for a pen.